operation harelip BJ is a go
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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