"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
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