They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
