Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
