I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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