I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
