Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
