i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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