there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
