She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
