is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
