checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
