If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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