He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
