i already hear my dad disowning me
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Randomize
