I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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