I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
