I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Randomize
