he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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