I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
