I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
