I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
