I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
