Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
