I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
