so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Randomize
