I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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