I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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