I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I'm at about main and main street
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
