just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
