Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
We got so high we made milksteak
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
