I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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