You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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