there was a trapeze. enough said
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
