sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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