We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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