gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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