mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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