Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Betty ford says i'm here all night
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
