No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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