i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
