is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
