She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize