Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
