he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
