Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
