I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
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