OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
How naked do you want me to be?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
