After last night, I could never be a politician.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I wish you could order shots online.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
