Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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