your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Your cock deserves a montage
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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