Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
