im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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