I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize