Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
