what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize