I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize
