My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I'm like, not good at living.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
