I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize