Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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