I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Shame - the story of my life.
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