Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
